Warning to any readers of a sensitive disposition – multiple uses of the F word have been used in this blog…. and they may be used again. And again.
So yesterday, another difficult day in Pickle-land. I got the Pickle into bed after he had been trying his hardest to climb into the toilet for the past hour. He thought it was absolutely hilarious and was giggling his head off. Beautiful, twinkling child music that went on and on and on. My husband popped his head around the door and said to me “he really does have the most wonderful laugh”.
And I nodded slowly and agreed. Because it is very beautiful. But I wasn’t laughing. I didn’t have the energy. I just wanted to get the Pickle to bed. I wished he’d stop laughing and just get in the bath.
Afterwards, my husband had taken the dog to puppy training classes and I ran myself a bath (I didn’t try to climb into the toilet like the Pickle…) and as the water was running, I thought how sad it was that I hadn’t been at all charmed or endeared by the Pickle getting the giggles. And at that moment, with total clarity, my mind just went “Autism…. I wish you would just FUCK OFF”
Just. Fuck. Off.
Autism, take your inflexible, rigid, stupid little arse and go run off a very high cliff. and whilst we’re talking….
– Fuck you for taking away the joy of my son giggling.
– Fuck you for leaving my son unable to communicate his needs
– Fuck you for forcing me to change the way I parent my child
– Fuck you for making me feel so frustrated with a small, defenceless little boy, when it’s YOU I hate
– Fuck you for leaving him unable to form friendships and bonds with other children
– Fuck you for making my family have to fight for funding, support and therapy
– Fuck you for making me feel utterly alone with my child in a room full of mums
– Fuck you for making my son meltdown and hit me because he doesn’t know what else to do
– Fuck you for creating a future where nobody can tell me how he will be or who he may become
– Fuck you for making me so frustrated with others who don’t understand, even though they have no reason or need to understand!
– Fuck you for taking away all the age-appropriate playgroups and activities that I would love to take my son to.
– Fuck you for making us different
– Fuck you for making our lives a very un-funny version of ‘groundhog day’
– Fuck you for stopping my son understanding that he’s about to become a big brother
– Fuck you for making me scared about having another baby instead of joyful because I cannot work out how she will fit in around YOU!
– Fuck you for making me feel depressed, anxious and giving me panic attacks
– Fuck you for the total finality of it all. Nothing I can do or say, will ever make you fuck off. You are here in our lives forever. Living among us. Always. And I don’t remember inviting you.
Autism, quite frankly, today you can kiss my arse. You have taken away so much joy, laughter and happiness that I should have had with my little boy. I love him so damn much and you have stolen our early years together. You have changed our relationship from what it should have been to what it is. You have made me change all goalposts and expectations, and whilst most days I can totally accept that and get on with life, today I fucking hate you and I want you to know it.
So yeah…. why don’t you just fuck off autism. And whilst you’re at it, give me my little boy the life back that he should be living. You utter twat.