Monthly Archives: February 2015

F**K OFF AUTISM!!

Warning to any readers of a sensitive disposition – multiple uses of the F word have been used in this blog…. and they may be used again. And again.

So yesterday, another difficult day in Pickle-land. I got the Pickle into bed after he had been trying his hardest to climb into the toilet for the past hour. He thought it was absolutely hilarious and was giggling his head off. Beautiful, twinkling child music that went on and on and on. My husband popped his head around the door and said to me “he really does have the most wonderful laugh”.

And I nodded slowly and agreed. Because it is very beautiful. But I wasn’t laughing. I didn’t have the energy. I just wanted to get the Pickle to bed. I wished he’d stop laughing and just get in the bath.

Afterwards, my husband had taken the dog to puppy training classes and I ran myself a bath (I didn’t try to climb into the toilet like the Pickle…) and as the water was running, I thought how sad it was that I hadn’t been at all charmed or endeared by the Pickle getting the giggles. And at that moment, with total clarity, my mind just went “Autism…. I wish you would just FUCK OFF”

Just. Fuck. Off.

Autism, take your inflexible, rigid, stupid little arse and go run off a very high cliff. and whilst we’re talking….

– Fuck you for taking away the joy of my son giggling.
– Fuck you for leaving my son unable to communicate his needs
– Fuck you for forcing me to change the way I parent my child
– Fuck you for making me feel so frustrated with a small, defenceless little boy, when it’s YOU I hate
– Fuck you for leaving him unable to form friendships and bonds with other children
– Fuck you for making my family have to fight for funding, support and therapy
– Fuck you for making me feel utterly alone with my child in a room full of mums
– Fuck you for making my son meltdown and hit me because he doesn’t know what else to do
– Fuck you for creating a future where nobody can tell me how he will be or who he may become
– Fuck you for making me so frustrated with others who don’t understand, even though they have no reason or need to understand!
– Fuck you for taking away all the age-appropriate playgroups and activities that I would love to take my son to.
– Fuck you for making us different
– Fuck you for making our lives a very un-funny version of ‘groundhog day’
– Fuck you for stopping my son understanding that he’s about to become a big brother
– Fuck you for making me scared about having another baby instead of joyful because I cannot work out how she will fit in around YOU!
– Fuck you for making me feel depressed, anxious and giving me panic attacks
– Fuck you for the total finality of it all. Nothing I can do or say, will ever make you fuck off. You are here in our lives forever. Living among us. Always. And I don’t remember inviting you.

Autism, quite frankly, today you can kiss my arse. You have taken away so much joy, laughter and happiness that I should have had with my little boy. I love him so damn much and you have stolen our early years together. You have changed our relationship from what it should have been to what it is. You have made me change all goalposts and expectations, and whilst most days I can totally accept that and get on with life, today I fucking hate you and I want you to know it.

So yeah…. why don’t you just fuck off autism. And whilst you’re at it, give me my little boy the life back that he should be living. You utter twat.

autism-quote

Autistic? Or Naughty?

The Pickle is growing up. He’s a very handsome young man! I look at him sometimes and wonder how I managed to half create such a good looking little guy.

The older he gets however, it’s becoming MUCH harder…. it’s hard to control what’s going on and what he’s getting away with everyday. He’s getting so big now. (he’ll be 4 in July). It’s like having a little person with a very young mind, in an older child’s body. And I’m quite fat and pregnant at the moment.

On a bad day, he screams at me and hits me in the face when he’s frustrated. He fights me on the stairs (one day we will both fall down them for sure and how will anyone get in to save us? The house is locked up to stop the Pickle getting out!), he jumps on me (and my baby bump) with no idea that he can cause any harm, and the hardest one of all…. he does not listen to a word I say.

He doesn’t stop, wait, listen or eat when I tell him too. I can’t get him to sit at the table for more than 10 seconds. I have to bribe him with chocolate, biscuits and ipads and all the things you’re not supposed to give to your child when you want them to do something for you! Most days, I fell totally and utterly powerless in my own home. I’m redundant as a mother. Nothing I do makes any difference to what he’s doing. Add to that, a crazy puppy (who also doesn’t listen) and 8 month pregnancy exhaustion, I have been known to just burst into tears randomly and in front of the Pickle. Another terrible thing to do with he’s the child and I’m the adult. And perhaps it’s a good thing, but the Pickle can’t actually comprehend that either. Because he doesn’t understand that other people have feelings and emotions. He just looks at my snotty, red face in curiosity and will sometimes laugh or copy me.

Yesterday somebody said an innocent comment to me that I secretly took quite hard. We met for some lunch and she asked me if the Pickle was a good eater. I started to explain that he only eats dry food, usually bland colours, and that sometimes there were exceptions to the rules, but he hadn’t let a vegetable pass his lips in over a year and I was trying to fix that but it’s difficult to keep offering foods when you know it will be rejected and you’re just throwing money into the bin. She said with a smile ‘wow he’s really got one over on you hasn’t he?’ I laughed and said ‘yeah’.

But it totally hit a nerve, because I feel like he really HAS got one over on me. A 3 year old child that has total control over his 32 year old mother. A 3 year old that laughs in my face when I tell him off or try to stop him from destroying something. A 3 year old that never, ever, ever, EVER listens to me.

I find that really hard.

And I keep telling myself, it’s just his autism. It’s just his autism. He doesn’t understand. But I do wonder sometimes, his behaviour is getting worse. At what point, is it autism, and when is it naughty? How do I tell the difference? Are the two mixed in together sometimes? And shouldn’t I know as his mum when it’s down to social communication issues, or when he’s just being a 3 year old who doesn’t want to be told what to do?

He also seems to save up all the really challenging behaviours just for me. When I take him out, I can’t get him to sit anywhere for long (coffee meet ups are becoming a thing of the past) but he is generally very well behaved when he’s in public. I think he’s shy when he’s out. He barely speaks, he just holds my hand and walks to wherever I’m going, and when we get there, he’ll go find a door to open and close or a car to run back and forth for an hour until it’s time to go again. Then we’ll get home and he’ll become loud, stimmy, thumpy and door slammy. Or he’ll shout at me and I won’t be able to understand what he’s saying and it frustrates him even more and makes me sad.

At the weekend when my husband is around, I’ve been known to actually hide! I’ll lock myself in the bathroom or slip quietly off to the bedroom just to sit with my eyes closed for a while. I’ve been dealing with the Pickle’s challenging behaviour all week, and I take the occasional opportunity to run away from it sometimes. I probably shouldn’t…. but my husband does deal with him very well and he’s not as worn down as me. He gets to sit in an adult environment for 40+ hours a week dealing with a whole other type of high pressure. (again this doesn’t make hiding right, but it does mean I know his tolerance is higher than mine when I just need a break!).

And the humbling thing is that, I know that I’m lucky with the Pickle. Compared to some of the things I’ve read about, or seen for myself, he really isn’t that bad. He is a sweet natured little boy who doesn’t meltdown every day, or have any major behavioural issues with other children. If you can get past the door opening/closing obsession, the slamming, the fixations and the routines, he is very easy to get on with and to love. So if I’m finding his older preschool personality so difficult to cope with in the afternoons, how on earth do other parents cope with some of the things I hear about?! I take my hat off to all of you. You are all bloody amazing!

In the meantime, Pickle is going to preschool 4 mornings a week, and I can have some quiet time then to get on with things. Oh my goodness, I love my quiet time. Then it’s off to pick up the Pickle and start the afternoon hometime fun all over again! But is it autism? Or is it sometimes naughty?

And will I learn to tell the difference and be able to parent my son properly before it’s too late?