Hello! Long time! To be honest, it’s been a real drag to sit down and write this post after the last few, but I think I’m ready now!
My last couple of posts came from such a sad, tired place. I’ve been struggling massively over the past six months, with the diagnosis, with family life and with pregnancy. And I’ve had such low energy levels that has made it difficult to move. I’ve been depressed. I’d stopped going out. I wasn’t seeing my friends. I didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything. I could barely crack a smile. I felt really lonely and isolated.
Things are a bit better now. I’ve been having some therapy for my anxiety problems which has helped me to evaluate a few things and get a better relationship with my husband, so I feel more supported; and towards the end of my pregnancy, I’ve also got a little bit more energy (amazingly!) which has made life more enjoyable. I’m feeling motivated. The puppy has stopped using the living room carpet to relieve herself, and has calmed down a lot. All of this stuff has helped massively.
And the Pickle… well he’s doing really well! He played his first game of ‘What’s the time Mr Wolf’ at nursery the other day! They showed me photos. He was standing confidently right in the middle of the photo holding hands with all the other children and smiling. He’s become really good at taking turns, and for the first time a couple of weeks ago, I said “I love you Pickle” and instead of repeating it back to me word for word, he said “I love you mummy”
The diagnosis was harder than I thought it would be. I felt it wouldn’t change anything as I had already figured out that he had autism and I thought having it written down on paper would just give him any extra support that he needed and would encourage others to take things more seriously when I explained his needs. But it has been like a giant rollercoaster. Good days, bad days, terrible days, selfish days, easy days, days that were good and then went bad at the last hour, days that felt they would never end. I never really knew what kind of day was coming. And it got on top of me. It really did. But I’m feeling stronger now.
So I took him out at the weekend, he really likes trains. So we took him on London Underground to a few places, and got the cable car from Emirates to the O2. Sounds like a normal thing to do with your child, tame almost. But it was a big deal for me as we’ve been hiding away for months and I get scared taking him out. But here we are! And here he is:
Something that has really not helped with my anxiety over the past few months, is there have been a couple of incidents where we have been out on playdates or at softplay centres, and other children have gotten frustrated with him and have hurt him. (one scratched his face, the other pushed him and tried to strangle him!) He didn’t seem to mind too much… but it really upsets me. And it makes me really scared and angry. Other mums know their children will run up to them and tell them when something’s happened, but if I hadn’t suddenly got up to check and caught that child doing that to my son, I would never have known. How many things do I miss? I can’t be with him all the time when he’s playing. And all the other mums are “chat chat chatting” and drinking their coffee, knowing that their children will come and tell them if there’s a problem, whilst I’m trying to chat and drink coffee and appear normal, but my anxiety levels are steaming, not knowing if the Pickle is ok, if he’s stimming too much and bumping into other children, if he’s getting himself into a situation that he has no idea is even happening, let alone be able to deal with. Then he can’t even come and tell me afterwards.
He’s not ill, there’s nothing wrong with him, he’s got a different processing system to the rest of us. And he has to live in our world. It’s overwhelming, and confusing. He is the one that needs all the love, help and support he can get. He’s so small. He can’t help having autism. And I’m his mummy.
I promised him last week that no matter what, from now on, we will stick together. I won’t be absent anymore. I will be the Pickle’s spokesperson whilst he can’t speak for himself. I will back him all the way and be his voice. I will educate people around him about his differences and show them how clever he is and how far he has come.
I will tell every day him how special he is and how much I love him. Even more so when he is tired, angry and confused and being difficult to understand. I will always be a firm (but hopefully fair) mum because that is who I am, but ultimately, I want him to think of me as somebody he can go too when he needs help, advice or is simply overwhelmed and wants a familiar face. He can’t see me falling apart anymore, he just can’t. This is his life. It’s too important to waste.
And in a matter of days, he’ll suddenly have a new little sister in his life and everything will be thrown into a new type of chaos. But you know what, I think we’ll all be ok. Because we all going to stick together.